In a grey world

I slept with her again last night..not like sex but just laying next to her close under the blankets in the cold, the cold makes every bit of it better..because it makes me feel most at home, i like when the putside world feels the way my insides always feel no matter the weather, although sleeping next to her everynight is wonderful the more beautifu thing of it all is wakeing up face to face next to her every morning in the cold because i get to look at all the things about her that society deems as imperfections and describe to myself in my head how every single thing considered imperfect is perfect about her. There is nothing more peaceful than watching her sleep, she looks so innocent, vulnerable, yet so troubled all at once and it is the most beautiful thing when peace meets instability and insanity, its like a cloudy cold day in a field full of flowers still all in bloom but a grey world. I love her and it hurts so bad.

i suck

Ive come to the conclusion that i might be completely in love with my best friend of like 15 plus years…i always had a crush on here my entire life, ive kissed her, cuddled her, fucked her, everything ive done everything with her. I hid my feelings from myself for a long time and i liked and loved other people but now its really coming ut bad that i am in love with her. She is in love with my ex though and it hurts so bad. Shes dated my cousin, my ex, friends f mine but never me and i dont get it i wish sometimes i was good enough and that she had those feelings for me, but as long as shes happy i am happy i guess. She is s beautiful and perfect and i sleep with her everynight to fight off the anxiety of my past she has similar anxietys and we just connect in that way. Shes the only person i am 100 percent comfrtable with.

please

If there is any god please let me die today, i am just suffering here and its not fair. If a few months of happiness is all i get i dnt want to live. Im praying to a god i dont believe in to kill me today.

I have been gone

I decided not t use this for quite some time now because i was happy i actually felt like a human and actually felt some kind of happiness and love in my life but now that’s all gone so im back to be miserable again, and i have never felt worse id rather be abused again than deal with this shit honestly.